Reasons I Was Sad Yesterday #1: The Germs Suck!

“Everyone knows the Germs sucked!” -Everyone

In exploring the wildlands of cyberspace I wound up on a video site that had an amazing 100 pages of documentary videos you can watch, FREE! Each “page” has 20-30 seperate documentaries you can download or watch from the privacy of your computer. And, since docu’s are pretty much the same thing as crack as far as I’m concerned, I got down and got busy. Which was good, since I haven’t had much sleep. Because my neighbors are evil creatures most closely resembling pig vomit.

So, anyway, I’m grazing thru these 2500-odd docu’s and what do I find? Hmmm? Guesses?

You got it, sweets! Penelope S.’s “Decline of Western Civ.” I took that class in community college, so I’m totally kool with it.

Anyhoo, I’m watching (hadn’t seen it in many long years) and what doth my sleepless red eyes see? Darby Crash and Pappy Pat Smear of the Germs, lookin’ outta the 80’s at me!

So then, I think: the Germs. THIS is the reason the evil robots are going to destroy us. Thanks. Thanks, Darby Crash. Thanks Pat Smear. Thanks, other two guys I can’t remember the names of.

Why?

Well, because the Germs suck. They sucked then…and guess what? They suck DOUBLE-BLIND now!

And why, my little hipster punk rock wanna-be’s who weren’t even BORN when this x-minute turd was made…or when hipster writers actually described the film as “one of the terminal video documents of our time.” God you pathetic wags!

Anyway, Darby was a (semi) tragic story, and he ended up smackin’ up and checkin’ out in 1980. That year, I got the Kenner “Death Star” play set, and some action figures for Christmas. (So?)

Somehow, through the miracle of hyperlinks, I found myself at this hyper-depresso website called “Find-A-Grave”, where I was treated to a color picture of Darby (taken before his final “Crash”), and ANOTHER color picture of a patch of brown grass with an added-in photoshopped arrow and handwritten “Darby Crash” notation showing the exact location in some California boneyard where D.C. now lies. The site also lets you leave “virtual flowers” and even a personal note.

For some reason, this sunk me almost immediately (and for many hours) into a major-league depressive state. Of course, this can happen for pretty much any reason, so don’t feel too sorry for me.

I decided to tell Crash how I was feeling: “I never liked your music…” I began. It went south from there.

I think what really upset me wasn’t the fact that the Germs won’t be playing live again. It was that I then clicked “Find Another Grave!” and typed in my beloved grandmother’s name. And guess what? No information. It’s like she never existed. She lived 80-odd years, never shot heroin (I’m pretty sure) and always told the truth. And didn’t write a song called “Manimal”. But she isn’t GOOD enough to be on this stupid find-a-grave website?

Then I started thinking about (for some reason) that satellite camera/probe thing they launched years ago. The one that included a gold-plated record (obviously not a Germs record) that contained “the entire history of humanity” (hopefully leaving out the decline of western civ 1 and 2). I remember hearing about how radio waves could be picked up (maybe) by intelligent alien life.

And that’s when I realized the horrible truth: years ago, when the Germs were still together and playing shows in L.A., sometime or other they must’ve been played on the radio. And whenever this happened, the evil robots were listening. They heard “Manimal” (a song even WORSE than the TV show of the same name, if that is possible), and decided right then and there that Earth was gonna go DOWN.

So, thanks D.C.! Thanks Pat Smear! Thanks other two guys, and weird Sid-n-Nancy type Darby Crash girlfriend (whose memorable line as she admitted to finding a dead guy in her backyard was “No [I didn’t feel bad]. I hate painters.”)…

Thanks to your shitty music, the entire earth will soon be devoured by evil robots.

I HATE YOU!

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