“Evil Robots? Yeah, what about ’em? Sure, they’re comin. But I’m not too worried, my fellow Americans. Us Skull-n-Boners signed a pact with Lucifer in our own blood when we were in college. We’d been up all night, snortin’ coke off Pat Nixon’s tits and drinkin Southern Comfort and Gatorade. The lemon-lime kind. Anyway, we made a deal with the devil, hell yeah we did! These robot guys gotta have humans to to help em get everybody in them gas chambers. Well, guess who got the big job…droppin in the Zyklon pellets? Yep, your favorite President!”  -George Bush in an (unaired) ‘State of the Union’ Address.


Are there REALLY such things as Evil Robots or are you just a big fat liar?

Hmmm. That’s a tough one. Because, you know, on one hand, I AM a big fat liar, so sure, there’s that, right? But the Evil Robots DO exist. And maybe they’re not so much “evil” as they are just really, really NOT GOOD.

Will you save us?

If you will be my girlfriend. Otherwise no.

When will this happen?

Sometime around the time it happens.

What can we do to destroy the robot menace?

C’mon! We’re talking EVIL ROBOTS, here! Don’t be silly.

I’ve heard aliens like to give people anal probes. Do Evil Robots practice gadget-based sodomy as well?

As a matter of fact, they do.

Am I gay if I like it?

Maybe. Or maybe the robot is. Who can say?

I heard you were building a underground survival bunker. Can I come stay there?

The Fortress of Solitude does not have room for anyone other than myself, my ego, and my girlfriend. You know my policy on girlfriends.

Can you give us any advice on building a bunker of our own, then?

1. It’s easier to dig using a shovel than your bare hands or a salad fork.

2. If you dig too deep you might come out in China. If this happens, you will need to turn around and go the other way.

3. If you have a firearm you can force people to dig your bunker for you.

4. If someone else digs the hole for you, it should be easier to tell from your supervisory position when they might be near China. If you fill in the hole real quick, they will be trapped in China. These Chinese might not like this.

5. Store yourself some goods and services, as you may be down there quite a long while. I suggest storing the following:

Goods: water, 20 lbs. bacon, Flintstone multi-vitamins, tampons (for girlfriend; make her buy them so you don’t screw it up or get embarassed, one (1) hummingbird.

Services: list of 900 sex lines (in case girlfriend thing doesn’t work out), phone number for Pizza Hut Delivery and a bunch of outdated coupons, number of a reliable toxic waste clean-up crew that accepts Discover card. 


1 Comment

  1. I know you’ve already posted the answers to some frequently asked questions but I have a question that wasn’t answered.

    Please include this in your next EvlRbt FAQ as I think this is a one alot of us are wondering about.

    What are some signs that I may BE an evil robot? Should I commit suicide? What is the best multipurpose lubrcant for my squeeky parts?

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