The Evil Power of Chuck E. Cheese and Disney

Robots–like evil itself–come in many wonderful flavors. Take for instance the animatronics used to hustle greasy pizza and addict children to horrid bubble-gum pop music and lame video games. That’s right: Chuck E. Cheese. 

Part 1: Evil, Inc.

Is Charles just a cheap imitation of that OTHER infamous mouse…the one they call Mickey? And if so…is the Chuckster just as evil as Walt Disney’s furry little beast?

In a word: yes. ALL rodents have the capacity for wickedness.

Consider: there are SIX letters in “Mickey”…and SIX letters in “Chuck E” as well. I don’t want to scare any of you, but we ALL KNOW that six is the devil’s favorite number. Don’t believe me? Check out the cover of your favorite Iron Maiden album. That’s right folks. We’re dealing with a global Satanic conspiracy that has taken over the entertainment industry, and is fighting for control of the souls of your children. WAKE UP!

Consider this: back before Walt Disney was a cryogenicaly frozen head–wrapped in tin foil and tumbling around like a baked potato in a vat of liquid nitrogen hidden in a secret lab below Disney World–he was feverishly working on the satanic science of animatronics. When he wasn’t participating in putting pro-Nazi propaganda in Steamboat Willie, that is. For those of you who don’t know what that is…animatronics is a type of robotics which the general public believes is being developed solely for entertainment purposes. If YOU are one of these sheep, be warned! Animatronics is a multi-billion dollar underground industry. I could be taken out by a Disney hit squad just for suggesting some of the things in this post. But I believe that We The People should embrace this frightening knowledge and fight back…for our very SOULS!

Ssshh! Did you hear that? Hold on a sec.

<PAUSE>

Okay. Sorry. It was one of those black helicopters, again. They fly past my home occasionally. The pilot seems to be wearing one of those black mouse ear hats Disney cultists wear. There are some who believe these people wear the hats to hide their devil horns. Who can say? We live in a society where one of our greatest presidents (Abe Lincoln) has been transformed into a robot to perform like a trained monkey for the masses at the so-called “Hall of Presidents” at Disney World. The REAL truth is, the Audiotronic Abe was just a test. Disney planned to have animatronic Presidents replace the live, human one we “elect” every four years. In fact, that whole “hanging chad” business in Florida during the Al Gore/George Bush, Jr. election was just a clever smokescreen. The Disney engineers (Disney calls them “imagineers”…cute, right?) needed to stall the election to fine-tune Bush’s mental processing capacity.

After all, theme parks have been making plenty of bucks WITHOUT animatronics. Why spend untold billions on such eldritch technology just to sell a few more mouse-ears?

Part 2: Chuck’s In The House

So how does Chuck come into play? The dark minds at Disney found that their animatronic presidential replacement program worked a little TOO well. The economy began to fizzle as more and more money was routed through the financial apparatus of the New World Order. Some parents simply couldn’t afford to take their kids to the notoriously expensive Central Florida re-education center (aka Disney World). It seems that low-paying McJobs just don’t provide the right-sized piece of the American Pie the average member of the “Working Poor” so richly deserves (no pun intended) and struggles for.

So Chuck E. Cheese became the solution. A “Final Solution” if you will. Arbeit Macht Frei. Almost any American (even while supporting a crystal meth habit, making payments on the double-wide and tithing 10 percent to the Church of WalMart) can afford to take the kids for some good ole fashioned mind-control. Served up with greasy pizza. If you think about it, it makes diabolical sense. Chuck E. Cheese: Where a Kid Can Be A Kid. Sure.

Part 3: Never Wait For Back-up

So I find myself in this temple of evil earlier tonight. I promise you this: when I woke up this morning, I never dreamed I’d be coming face-to-face with the first wave of Evil Robots by nightfall.

But the kids wanted to go.

No…not mine. Though I am ashamed to admit that I’ve taken my own son to both Chuck E. Cheese’s AND the ever-evil Disney World, I can at least plead ignorance. At the time, I did not know the horrible knowledge I now possess. At the time, both places seemed “innocent fun”…a place where kids really CAN be kids. Despite the overpriced stuff they call food. 

…the horror…the horror…

Tonight, my brother’s girlfriend wanted to do something special for her kids. I’d heard some upsetting rumors earlier today, and I thought it was best to tag along as back-up. Myah is a great mother…but if half of what I was hearing turned out to be only half-true, my brother would need all the “back-up” he could get.

Oh, and did I mention there were video games involved?

So we find ourselves sitting in front of a stage, looking at an 8-foot tall animatronic mouse with an evil gleam in his beady little rat eyes. I stare back, daring him to mess with me. We waited for the pizza.

Apparently, a lot of things have changed since I visited Chuck E. Cheese for the first time at 10 years old. I’m 38 now. For nearly three decades, the Dark Cult of Cheese has been busy refining the mind control process.

Like many of these types of devil cults, the true power behind the mouse hides in plain site.

After taking a bite of horrid zero-flavor pizza, I wait for the mouse to come to life. I don’t have to wait long.

Suddenly the animatronic creature is dancing and singing and the kids are clapping their hands rhythmically, a far-away look in their eyes as they chew the rubbery pizza crust.

On a huge video screen behind Chuck, a horrible-yet-curiously-familiar song begins. The video shows these Disney-perfect, Hannah Montanaesque prettyboy teens dancing and lip-syncing while Chuck and a few of his furry Barney-clone friends cavort for the camera.

Pure pagan idolatry, friends and neighbors.

I’m trying to recall where I’ve heard that horrible song before. My brother beats me to it:

“That’s the Backstreet Boys,” he says.

If I was unsure of a demonic presence before, all doubts are now gone.

The truly scary thing is: parents who bother to listen to that inane Disney-sanitized pop pap would likely find it a “good influence”. It’s the whole “hiding in plain sight” thing, taken to its logical conclusion. Pretend you are good when you are anything BUT, and people will call you a saint even as you’re raising the headsman’s axe.

The Chuck E. Cheese version of the Backstreet Boyz classic changed the lyrics around. (Maybe even improved them). And I wouldn’t doubt Chuck put in some backwards masking suicide suggestions, too. It was physically painful to listen TOO closely, though, so I can’t be sure of that. My brother had recently suffered a kidney stone, and Chuck’s prattling had him doubled-over in pain again. All I caught was something along the lines of: “Eating everything you see/That makes you larger/than life.”

Basically, Chuck (with help from the Boyz) was telling kids it wasn’t cool to overeat. His furry greedy-gobbler friend obviously had some issues–and an eating disorder.

Maybe the over-indulging pig had been molested as a piglet..? Maybe he had low self-esteem, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…even schizophrenia. Who knows? Well, Chuck might. And he wants his pal to know that eating too much can cause childhood obesity–a problem that affects about 15 percent of children and adolescents in the U.S. Isn’t that a wonderful example of corporations that care about their customers?

Uhm…no. I’m sorry, but there is something DEEPLY DISTURBING when Chuck E. Cheese is preaching about eating too much. That’s like a heroin dealer telling kids to “Just Say No”.

And further proof that mice are pretty close to EVIL INCARNATE.

Of course, you have to give the devils their due. The Chuckinator is a master of playing the game. When you enter the Unholy Temple of Cheese (behind your screaming brood of kids), you’re immediately asked to convert your hard-earned cash into semi-worthless tokens. The tokens are coins (engraved with the beneficent image of Chuck), but you can only spend them on the premesis, for officially approved recreations. And Chuck has your REAL money, locked away and never to be seen again–at least by you. Sheer Genius. (Note: Disney also has its own currency–Disney Dollars).

The available recreational activities are crappy video games and old-school carrnival favorites like skee ball, air hockey, and basketball free-throws. There are also a few of those rides that could once be found outside every supermarket and drug store in America. You know, the one’s you begged your mother a quarter to ride and it lasted all of ten seconds..? Most of them are brightly painted cars or trucks. You put your token in it, it moves up and down for a few seconds, then shuts off…waiting for the next sucka. It’s never a long wait.

Chuck E. Cheese has changed a lot from when my brother and I used to waste tokens there. Back then–in video game infancy–the place was dark and stuffed with three times the number of arcade favorites. Back then, Chuck was down with Dig Dug, Ms. Pac-man, Galaga, Zaxxon, Battle Zone, Asteroids, Dragon’s Lair, and Tron. (Note: the last two games listed were Disney-related games…could the conspiracy between the two rats have been in the works even then?)

…the horror…

The final insult is the “reward” for blowing your paycheck on bad food, bad games and bad advice: the more you play, the more tickets you collect. They spool out of the carny games like one of those coin-op stamp machines in the post office. Before leaving, your kids have to spend what seems like FOREVER, picking out a few trinkets at Chuck’s Gift Shop. Like the token scam, the gifts can only be purchased with the paper tickets. The vast majority of available gifts are those cheap little plastic toys kids get at birthday parties or out of those ready-made stockings you find at convenience stores on Christmas Eve.

As if the Mark of the Beast, the obsession with mouse motifs, the use of animatronics, reliance on a private economy, and the common knowledge of the impending invasion by Evil Robots was–somehow–not enough for you, just remember this warning:

The REAL Abe Lincoln has NO moving parts.

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2 Comments

  1. I’ve been reading along for a while now. I just wanted to drop you a comment to say keep up the good work.

  2. NAIL THOSE EVIL MICE TO THE WALL, GREG!!


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