The Unkindest Cut Of All

I suppose, in a way, I should not be too surprised by this latest atrocity committed by my evil white trash neighbors. After all, for the past few weeks, I’ve piggy-backed on their wireless Internet account, using it to tell the world about their perversions, peccadilos and private moments. Well, okay, perhaps that’s stretching it a bit…or a bundle, even; more like “tell four people”–but “the world” sounds ever so much more grand, now doesn’t it?

But they have deserved this treatment: I have not had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. Not to mention the disgust at having to picture their endlessly savage (not to mention sexual) trysts, battles, and domestic combats. I’ve been forced to wear noise-cancelling headphones (an expensive luxury I could not really afford) to cancel the noise from their hellish child.

And so, yes, good people. I admit it. I have snipped a secret entrance into their Internet provider, taking pleasure in the poetic justice of using their own account to publicly discuss and rant and rave on the topics of their nightly crimes against my sleep.

Yet now, however they discovered it, my intrusion is known and I sit in the Fort Payne, Alabama library, typing this like the common plebe I suspected I might in fact be.

The self-aggrandizing moments when I nearly knocked myself flat patting my own back, and congratulating my genius at poetic combat with the Evil One’s next door is OVER. I am found out.

So this, then, is a short-n-sweet message to my tormentors:

Laugh at your skill all you wish. I am poor, and cannot afford to buy what you use for the incredibly classy purpose of downloading water-sport pornography, emailing your fellow Chip-n-Dale costume gang-bangers, and sending hotmail messages to your soul-less, vapid lovers. Yes, you have stopped me. For now.

But you’ve also pissed me off. And since you are fools, and I am angered by fools, well….I’d think about moving if I were you. Not that I would risk coming face-to-face with some of your relatives by being arrested and thrown in jail for doing something violent. I may think about it, but you are just not worth that. So, alas, I won’t be able to smuggle any black tar heroin to your mother by the long, lost art of “keistering”…perhaps one of you will get that chance yourself, though. How? I suggest you make a murder-suicide pact. Both of you are so stupid that some part of it is doomed to failure, so whoever survives will get to reunite (tearfully, I am sure) with moms, pops, and whichever other members of your family await your sentencing.

I say “family” instead of “families” because, having often studied your features when passing you in the hall, it is obvious that you must be cousins at the most remote relations. I suspect half-siblings. I know how your kind likes to keep it in the family.

Though I have often called your child “demon-spawn”, in truth, she is a victim of your idiocy as much as the next person. I hope that she will get the psychological assistance needed to make her rise above her twisted family fruit-farm.

So, until some kind person makes it possible to once again attack you for your sins against humanity, this poor and long-suffering person is signing off. 

And you, my neighbors from hell, are cordially invited to go fu….ah, why waste good profanity?

P.S. There’s plenty of other things to blog about, anyway.

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1 Comment

  1. I say it is a shame we can’t kill people like this and get away with it. Off with their heads. I can’t stand stupid people.


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