This Vampire Sucks…

I’m obviously just not kool enough to watch the MTV Movie Awards. At least, not when its live. Bad things happen…take for instance the last time I watched it live, when I was treated to the disintegration of one of the finest bands my generation ever produced: Rage Against The Machine. Err…well maybe that actually occurred on the MTV music awards. Hard to tell since the two shows share the same cut-n-paste programming, celebrity presentation and bastardized ‘entertainment’. And both shows replay themselves, over and over and over, a bazillion times…you know, just in case you missed it. Which I seem to do fairly frequently now that I’m obviously not as kool as I was way-back-when I kept up with MTV scheduling. By the way: I wonder how many brain cells I misappropriated to keep up with anything MTV-related..? Because to be quite honest, I think they’d be put to a better use cataloging free porn sites or maybe keeping track of hamburger helper recipes or something.   

You see, as a writer I have a Get Out Of Jail Free card when it comes to watching horrid mind control television programming. After all, I can’t make fun of a show unless I watch it, now can I? That just wouldn’t be ethical. And you-all know what a firm believer in journalistic integrity and ethics I am.

So here’s the run-down on the 2009 MTV Movie Awards: Best Movie of the year? Twilight.

But how, praytell, does a movie like “Twilight” win Best Move Of The Year? I mean, pacts with Satan and waterboarding that Lucky Charms fairy to force a magically delicious wish aside.

Perhaps because MTV’s target audience are technically retarded.

Either that or the end of the world is coming.

And don’t give many any shite about how Twilight is a “guilty pleasure” either. If you’re guilty of THAT pleasure, friends and neighbors, you need to shoot yourself in the head because there is no way back for your ost taste.

Look, when I was 16, I’m sure I would have lied up a storm in some inebriated attempt to score with a pretend-a-goth chick I met at the mall, too. But have a little class! Twilight is Mormon horror for middle-of-the-roaders at best! It’s absolutely horrid. Come on…the prettyboy “twinkles” in sunlight! He runs up trees with his “human” depresso-girlfriend clinging to his back like a baby Ewok! WalMart sells t-shirts that say “Team Cullen” and feature the Twilight logo in twinkly-glitter. Have you ever seen a David Lynch movie with a trendy WalMart  t-shirt? What about a Stanley Kubrick film? WalMart spin-off’s? Nada.

Face it: Twilight sucks. If you like Twilight…well, you do the math, sucka.


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