Too Late For Jon and Kate? Cross Your Fingers…

One more knuckle-biting night until we get to see the wheels come off the Jon and Kate breeding experiment. TLC executives must be beside themselves with satanic glee. What better end for a reality show that revolves around an emasculated da-da, a hyper-bitchy mommy and eight gruesomely adorable young-un’s than a Divorce: American Style?

Of course, this could all be some great big publicity stunt. Perhaps Jon-n-Kate are becoming Scientologists..? Perhaps they’ve come to their senses and have decided to give a few of the kids back..? (By the way, are post-natal abortions legal in their state?) At $75,000 an episode, it would be foolish to believe J-and-K don’t consider the effects a divorce would have on their eight little money shots.

But TLC wins no matter what. The shows producers could get a LOT of mileage out of a divorce: think about the long dolly shot of Jon walking forlornly to his car, the backseat and trunk stuffed with whatever remnants of his long-buried bachelorhood Kate has allowed him to keep. He’s off to his post-divorce apartment, where TLC’s “John Crew” record stock footage of him swallowing a handful of Prozac with a liter of Gilbey’s Vodka and crying in his furnitureless living room as he flips through wallet-sized shots of the kids as an emo soundtrack plays softly.

Kate, meanwhile, is gorging on Ben and Jerry’s and screaming at a terrified TLC intern that she was “made for better things, you bastard!” Then she finds Jon’s testicles in the back of the freezer, where she had put them in 2005.

Yes, just one more night and we get to see another family corrupted by our American Idol-worshipping, fame-and-fortune-obsessed culture implode on national television.

Yee-haa.

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