—————————————————————————————————————————————————DISCLAIMER:—————————————————————————————————————————— I’m writing this blog for the stated reason that I don’t want to write about my birthday (September 18). I turned 40. The highlight of my day was that I began the (hopefully short) process of finding a literary agent. Other things that happened on my birthday: my Xbox 360, DVD player and fridge (in that order) shat out on me. And I’m not fond of 40. But, as my Uncle Slats said (when I called to wish him a Happy 89th birthday Tuesday), it IS better than the alternative.————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

As an “instead of-” blog, I present… (drum roll please) “I’M NOT FAMOUS”…

I’m not famous AT ALL, for ANYTHING. And as a 21st Century American, that should probably bother me. After all, I live in a nation where adults recognize Jerry Springer more often than our first president, Abraham Lincoln. (Note: That was a joke; I know Ben Franklin was the first president). Some folks claim that America is a Christian nation. Well, fundamentally speaking (or should I say “fundamentalist speaking”?) that might have been a true statement, once.  No more.

Because now we are a nation of pagans, and I’m not talking about my friend Laura the Pagan. One of her screen names is “Witchy Poo”, she likes candles, knows all kinds of kool stuff about herbs and she can tell you what an “athame” is. No, I’m talking about the new American god: we worship young, skinny and famous. I’m, uhm, none of the above. And maybe it should even bother ME a little more than your average person, because I have a famous person in my family. My cousin is a fairly well-known actor: Ed Harris. (The Abyss, Enemy At The Gates, The Truman Show, Radio, etc.) I feel a little weird name-dropping even though he is family, and the reason I’ve done so much more than I ever have in the past is simply because I’m involved in the movie biz myself as of late–though admittedly on a much smaller (trust me, much smaller) scale. But Ed’s place in the Hollywood hierarchy has made me think a great deal about Fame (and its fat and fugly–but wealthier–cousin, Fortune) here of-late. 

The movie, if you missed that blog, is called THE LOST IDOL OF AMUN-RA. (Did you hear the 20th Century Fox musical fanfare and that guy with the deep voice that narrates all the movie previews? That’s what the ALL CAPS TITLE was supposed to trigger if I did it right…No? Ok, let me try again…)

THE LOST IDOL OF AMUN-RA! (No? Still nothing? I’ll get my people on it, sorry).

Anyway, that’s the name. Why? Well, for one, it’s about a lost idol. And “Amun-Ra” sounds kinda Egypto-sciency fictiony, doesn’t it?  The movie in an indie picture (duh) written by myself and longtime friend, David Lusk. Actually, David wrote most of the screenplay and that was probably best because I’m directing the movie and–trust me–I’ve got all I can handle.

You can find out all the gory details on the movie web page (which will be up and running shortly), but the basic idea is: A secret agent is racing to beat a Russian archaeologist (who might or might not be a secret agent, as well) to the “find of the century”: you guessed it, the LOST IDOL OF AMUN-RA. (Still no, huh?) But a UFO-piloting pair of aliens, the mysterious Robot Empire’s Legion of Doom, and a nosy reporter on the trail of the story of a lifetime are all looking for the IDOL as well. Golly, jeepers! Doesn’t that sound swell? If you haven’t guessed already, it’s a spoof of 1950’s-era sci-fi serials/Ed Wood classics. Think pie-plate UFO’s and claymation monsters and you’ll get the general idea.

I started this projects with the very best and most honorable of intentions. No, really. Okay, an eensie-weensie TINY little SMALL, BARELY ANY real reason AT ALL part was because I wanted to impress my cousin. But the more and more that I think about how that conversation might go, the more I think I will probably just end up sounding like that weird 5-year old kid, Stuart, on Mad TV. (“Hey, Ed! Look what I can do!”)

But this whole experience is really trying my patience. Though there are some genuinely talented and dedicated people working on the project (we’re still in pre-production, with a few more weeks before principle photography starts), there are others who have to be hand-held and coddled. And in addition to not being famous, I’m not good at hand-holding or coddling. Particularly coddling, since I’m not 100 percent on what it actually means. First of all, let me ASSURE YOU that you DO NOT have to actually be a famous actor to ACT like a famous actor. And I don’t mean the good kind of acting either, which I obviously welcome and desire. I mean ACTing like an ASSHOLE. Egoism is apparently a universal trait. Add to this my propensity to be extremely unsympathetic to idiotism as well as egoism and you have a director who is himself an asshole. But give me a freakin’ break! It’s my first time directing (we’re not counting porn, right?)…

I’ve decided–in an attempt to keep track of my thoughts and “blog away” my stress–that I’m going to post every time we have a production meeting, a script meeting, or a fight. Which means I guess I have to blog every five or ten minutes. (NOTE TO SELF: Think before typing; some thoughts and most declarations or promises of action are better once edited, where they are often deleted, becoming a non-issue).

If this experience doesn’t make me nuttier than the proverbial fruitcake, I don’t know what will. More later. I need a valium sandwich and a bottle of vodka.

DISCLAIMER NUMBER TWO: Gregory Purvis does not use or endorse valium sandwiches or vodka. Though he is willing to sell out for a (probably smaller than you would think) price.

For endorsement offers write to: P.O. Box 681505 Fort Payne, Alabama 35968.


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