Game of Thrones=Well-performed Donkey Show in Tijuana

Yeah, let the vitriol fly fanboys (and girls).  See, I still do this weird arcane thing at night.  No, not THAT weird, arcane thing.  That comes later.  I actually have these objects that I pay about $30.00 a piece for (because I believe in supporting authors, and think there IS a difference between “The Stand” and “My Adventure at Band Camp with Poems About Laurie” by HarryPotter99, for sale for .99 download).  These objects have PAPER (this stuff made of the denuded rain forest, which–when they run out of trees–I’m hoping they come grind up Oregon because I LIKE PAPER!!!) and hard covers, with cool artwork (unless you’re Michael Moorcock in the 1970’s).  I can sit it on my chest and turn the real PAPER pages, one by one as I read.  That’s right, I READ BOOKS.

And HBO has SLAUGHTERED my favorite series, by George R.R. Martin.

First I had to overlook that all of the Stark children are played by twenty-something actors.  Except the youngest two, who are still older than they are supposed to be. Westeros is apparently DIFFERENT in HBOland.  Then I had to overlook all these little fanboy virgins who spend so much time on the computer I’m not sure they even recall they make actual books you can buy.  Every Game of Thrones online discussion that exists is crawling with these idiots.  I have a game on my smartphone called Quiz Up, and its great fun to beat the stuffing out of players on the Game of Thrones (movie) topic.  It’s a whole different experience when you get on the Game of Thrones (literary) topic.  Because the questions are from the BOOK (remember: made of paper?)–not the HBO fiasco.  YES…the one that’s raking in billions, I know.  I could go on: about the changes in plot, the people of Essos looking (for the most part) completely unlike how they were described in the novels.  The fact that Catelyn Stark was MUCH more attractive (and younger) in the books.  No offense to the actor, but she’s well-past menopause.  Catelyn could have had more children.  The “beautification” of almost every character (even The Hound isn’t THAT ugly, and Tyrion’s nose is definitely NOT half gone), and a lot of added homosexuality.  I have NOT ONE THING against gays or lesbians.  Personally, I thought Brienne of Tarth was a closet-Butch no matter how much she “loved” Renly.  But GO BY THE BOOK, HBO. Don’t “gay” something up just to have a certain number of gay characters.  I think homosexual people should be outraged at being made a statistic in the same way African-Americans are: a token, put in by producers to keep everyone from burning a city down.  In the BOOK, sure there were HINTS that certain characters preferred listening to YMCA than fighting a dirty scumbag like Gregor Clegane.  But lets not get carried away with changing the AUTHORS words.

And how is it that it’s “cool” to like fantasy all of a sudden.  When I was in high school, us fantasy geeks were usually the subject of wedgies, swirlies, and straight-up ass kickings.  It’s SO cool now that even other writers (like Steve King) MENTION GRRM’s series in THEIR books.

But the thing that REALLY gets me is the amount of crap GRRM has taken from the ladies about “violence against women”.

I was just kidding about calling you ladies.  You are most definitely women, Hear Me Roar (just like the Lannisters).  I know how “ladies” upsets you guys…I mean gals.  Or whatEVER.  See, I can’t win.  When you play the PC game you always lose.

Women: Hear Me.

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. GRRM is NOT (repeat) NOT a misogynist wimin-hater.  Just because women are getting chopped up, beaten, tortured, eaten, and raped DOES NOT mean he doesn’t LIKE YOU. It’s an IMAGINARY world (not real) and guess what: being set in a sort-of Medieval/Dark Ages world, that’s just how things WERE. Listen to the wisdom of the Queen of Thorns if you doubt me.  She knows the score.  Her husband managed to ride off a cliff while he was hawking.  There might be a lot of rapin’ but person-for-person, the men get killed ten times as often as the womenfolk.

In this IMAGINARY world, some women are crafty.  Some are intelligent.  Some are dull-witted.  Some use their bodies as weapons.  Some follow the Borgia example and use poison.  Even a few are bad ass fighters.  But this isn’t Xena, folks.  MOST women in a Dark Ages fantasy setting are going to be “the weaker sex” in most ways.  Physically most of all.  It DOESN’T have any hidden political agenda.  Trust me: I took Women’s Studies (yeah, go ahead and laugh) and I am all about the lad…errr…wimin.  TRUST ME! Women are getting cut up and beat because they did not have strongly enforceable domestic violence provisions in the laws of the land.

BUT IT’S NOT A REAL PLACE! Tonight, the season concluded with Bran meeting the Children of the Forest, who throw fireballs and DON’T look ANYTHING like I thought they would look.  And Brienne of Tarth kicked Sandor Clegane’s ass.  There’s one for the wimin.

But then they HAD to go and turn Tyrion’s murder of Shae into a “fair fight”…obviously giving in to the pressure GRRM has talked about himself.  Shae draws a knife and attacks Tyrion, so he basically “has to kill her”.  NO. HE KILLED THE BITCH. He was in love with her, and for the SECOND time in his life a whore (he thought) broke his heart, then testified against him, THEN crawled in bed with his daddy!  Now, in the REAL world I’d say Tyrion would be arrested, but it would be ruled a crime of passion–second degree murder at most, and probably manslaughter with a minimum sentence.  He just didn’t walk in there and kill her to the soundtrack of “Smack My Bitch Up”.

My point to all this: lighten up. And read a book.

If you want to protest ending domestic violence, DO IT IN THE REAL WORLD…where it can REALLY help.

 

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